Every year Hollywood churns out dozens upon dozens of movies. Unfortunately for the American public, the majority of these films suck something awful. Of course I’m stating the obvious here but the fact of the matter is that we can no longer afford to blindly trust Hollywood big wigs to produce serviceable material. That is why I would like to share a little trick with you wonderful people that I have been employing for years to amazing results. Write your own epilogues to movies!
For example, take the Keanu Reeves picture The Replacements. For those of you that haven’t seen said flick, let me ruin it for you right here and now. Keanu stars as Shane Falco, a washed up college quarterback who gets a second chance at the pros as a scab player when the teams stage a league wide strike. Underdogs unite, inspiration is sprinkled throughout, rag tag teammates defeat defending champs blah blah blah only to have the former players come back and Falco finds himself back at square one: credits. Depressing? Slightly, but it doesn’t have to be. As far as I’m concerned Shane was picked up by a team as a backup QB where he served out the remainder of his career without incident and ended up as a guest analyst on Monday night football who occasionally sits in for Jimmie Johnson while J.J. jet sets around the world hocking Extenz. Now there’s the closure I’ve been searching for! I feel better already and saved $9.50. Nearly ten dollars that can now be spent on nine and half dollar dogs or one gallon of gas (yeah I got topical for a minute…dollar dogs are a hot button issue for me).
Still not satisfied? The end of the underrated flick District 9 leaves much to the imagination. Spoiler alerts abound as I butcher the summary for this movie. Regular guy, Wikkus, gets shot in the face with alien goop (that phrase alone should leave your imagination reeling) and slowly begins to transform into one of the oppressed visitors whilst doing battle with mercenaries, the government and the loss of his humanity. Excellent movie with an open ending that begs for further interpretation. Maybe Wikkus is eventually turned back into his human form? Maybe he shacks up with his estranged wife and starts some kind of bizarre interspecies family? That literally took seconds to write and I am thoroughly pleased with myself and mildly entertained to boot! The wonder of imagination triumphs over greedy Hollywood fat cats once again.
These ideas still not painting a clear enough picture for you? Well let us look at a film like Furry Vengeance staring Brendan Fraser. I like to imagine that after the credits finished rolling every fictional character, animal and CGI critter died screaming in a tremendous brush fire that consumed the forest and surrounding homes. I hate this movie, and I’ve only ever seen the trailer. If there is justice in this world then the executive that green lit that picture is in a Burbank basement right now being water boarded hourly.
This leads to my next point; critiquing the bottom rung of film is easy, reworking great works of cinema is not a good idea. Please take this to heart before you start tacking on afterthoughts to Citizen Kane.
Still not satisfied? The end of the underrated flick District 9 leaves much to the imagination. Spoiler alerts abound as I butcher the summary for this movie. Regular guy, Wikkus, gets shot in the face with alien goop (that phrase alone should leave your imagination reeling) and slowly begins to transform into one of the oppressed visitors whilst doing battle with mercenaries, the government and the loss of his humanity. Excellent movie with an open ending that begs for further interpretation. Maybe Wikkus is eventually turned back into his human form? Maybe he shacks up with his estranged wife and starts some kind of bizarre interspecies family? That literally took seconds to write and I am thoroughly pleased with myself and mildly entertained to boot! The wonder of imagination triumphs over greedy Hollywood fat cats once again.
These ideas still not painting a clear enough picture for you? Well let us look at a film like Furry Vengeance staring Brendan Fraser. I like to imagine that after the credits finished rolling every fictional character, animal and CGI critter died screaming in a tremendous brush fire that consumed the forest and surrounding homes. I hate this movie, and I’ve only ever seen the trailer. If there is justice in this world then the executive that green lit that picture is in a Burbank basement right now being water boarded hourly.
This leads to my next point; critiquing the bottom rung of film is easy, reworking great works of cinema is not a good idea. Please take this to heart before you start tacking on afterthoughts to Citizen Kane.
1. Do not rewrite the end of universally accepted classic works of film!
I think this rule pretty much speaks for itself. I may very well be the greatest writing mind of the 21st century (a young Ernest Hemingway, sans the talent and twice drinking problem) and even I’m not attempting to spice up the ending of The Shining, The Shawshank Redemption or The Departed. In that same spirit…
2. 9 times out of 10; Don’t try to write epilogues for movies that start with “The”
I’m not sure what it is about the word “The” that lends movies/this blog an air of credibility but it seems to do wonders. The A-Team, The Expendables and The Proposal…these may lack the aforementioned prestige but they’re still pretty solid flicks. Definitely the exceptions to the rule though, go ahead and write conclusions until you’re blue in the face. Hell, if you make even a half decent hack job out of it you can pass it off as a not yet released screen play for the sequel. While you’re creating these mostly plagiarized works, also remember that…
3. Once you’ve come up with an epilogue, stick to it with ferocious conviction
I once convinced someone that everyone dies at the end of A League of Their Own just because I said it convincingly. Not that I wish any ill will on Tom Hanks, Penny Marshall, Madonna, etc. Quite the contrary really, I love that movie. The point is that once you formulate a pseudo-ending in your mind, stick to it and tell it like it’s the gospel! Let’s face it, 99% of the time people will believe what you say as long as you believe what you’re saying is true. A decent line of bullshit and absolute conviction has fooled many an idiot. Now I’ve stated the very obvious and summarized political tactics used the world over since the beginning of time: and you thought you wouldn’t learn anything today? However, there are certain stipulations to wielding such creative power…
4. When creating an epilogue, try to keep it within the realm of believability
Everyone loves the movie Titanic. That’s not a generalization; it’s a widely accepted fact. Two talented actors that are easy on the eyes, a doomed romance, the loss of a man made marvel and tasteful nudity. What’s not to love? Walking away from the theater I didn’t start concocting scenarios where in after Rose passes in her sleep, Bill Paxton and crew raise the lost liner using giant balloons, find Leo’s preserved corpse and bring it back to life through some miracle of modern science. Well now I have but you see where I’m going with this. Bordering on poor taste and lacking believability, this situation is a tough sell for even the most silver tongued son-of-a-bitch.
Well there you have it. I give you a beginner’s guide to making shit up, lying about it and perverting the artistic vision of filmmaking professionals, or techniques that I am officially referring to as the Hollywood Trifecta.
