Summer is here again and that can only mean one thing. Hollywood has dispensed with their unusually awful parade of movies in favor of flicks where copious amounts of shit are blown to hell and bullets are fired by the boatload. So in honor of this cherished season, I’ve opted to highlight some of the bigger name flicks that have hit theaters this May.
Fast Five
Ok so technically this flick came out almost a month ago but it deserves an honorable mention for cobbling together a movie out of spare parts (no pun intended…unless you found that hilarious then fuck it, I meant it). As most of you know, Fast Five is the 5th outing (no shit) of The Fast and the Furious series. Again I don’t think I’m burying the lead by letting you know the series is about fast cars and angry people. The whole movie is basically an amalgamation of “The Italian Job” and every “Ocean’s” movie if it was made for meatheads with short attention spans.
Why it works: The 5th outing in the series is one of the strongest for 2 reasons. 1. The producers finally figured out that if you throw enough C-list actors at the wall (Tyrese, Ludicrous, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster) and let them go crazy, someone will pay attention. 2. Vin Diesel and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson wailing on each other is…well it’s awesome. Re-read that last sentence for a second. Two gigantic mother fuckers named “Vin Diesel” and “The Rock” respectively, punching one another in the face. Yeah if you have testicles you want to see that go down don’t you? Boom, half the population suckered into ticket sales already.
Thor
The God of Thunder makes his feature film debut. Comic book nerds, disciples of the church of Norse mythology and lovers of Thursday unite! Also, if you get that last reference, good for you. I want you on my Trivial Pursuit team.
Why it works: Since the first “Blade” flick came out over a decade ago, Hollywood has eaten up all things comic book related.*
Thor is no exception. Not necessarily a marquee character in the Marvel mythos over the last several years, Thor is still an essential part of the upcoming Avengers extravaganza which will have uber-nerds (myself included) sexually aroused for all the wrong reasons, but I digress.
Also in the plus column, Thor is helmed by the in-house creative team from Marvel who has yet to put out a bad flick. All you need to know about Thor is that he rocks a cape and swings a gigantic, magical hammer. Put it on celluloid. Back trucks up to the theaters to collect the piles of money. Rinse. Repeat.
*The lion’s share of these pictures has raked in cash hand over fist. On the other hand, some of these movies have put the lives’ of their creators in mortal peril because of their awfulness. Yeah I’m looking at you Mark Steven Johnson, director of Ghost Rider, I know that movie came out 4 years ago but John Milligan holds grudges! Sleep with one eye open…*
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Johnny Depp returns as Capt. Jack Sparrow for more high seas shenanigans. While the “Pirates” series started out with a bang, the franchise has slowly but surely forsaken all of its good will with increasingly convoluted plot lines and an overabundance of bullshit. This time Capt. Jack and company make a play for the fabled Fountain of Youth while the legendary pirate Blackbeard serves as the movie’s main antagonist.
Why it works? It doesn’t. Obviously it is much easier (and more fun for that matter) to tear a bad movie a new one, but I didn’t want to with this flick. I genuinely wanted to like this movie. I absolutely loved the first “Pirates” outing and have even gone so far as to defend the sequels, but not this time.
It’s hard for me to pinpoint what’s good about this movie. The plot and character motivations seem like an elaborate joke. I waited 2 hours for some big twist ala M. Night Shamaylan where we find out the whole movie took place in a snow globe and the new movie, complete with actual plot and interesting characters would be starting shortly. Sadly, that moment never came.
Geoffrey Rush has opted to follow his brilliant turn in “The King’s Speech” by phoning it in as Capt. Barbosa. And I never thought I would say this, but never has a movie been so hampered by the absence of Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom. Instead we’re force fed a love story between a dedicated missionary and a carnivorous mermaid; wish I was joking about that. Trust me when I say it is much much much worse than it sounds.
The Hangover: Part II
The gang from the first “Hangover” is back in action. This time the guys cavort through Bangkok, Thailand in a drug-fueled blackout causing unbelievable mayhem whilst losing Stu’s (Ed Helms) future brother-in-law.
Why it works: “The Hangover” seems to resonate with a wide audience, probably because any individual over the age of 20 worth their salt has had an experience similar to the film’s cast. Personally I find it’s a lot easier to identify with the guy who gets hammered, wakes up hating life and faces a slew of consequences as opposed to the Norse God of Thunder. But hey that’s me
However, “The Hangover: Part II” does have one glaring mistake: IT’S THE SAME EXACT MOVIE AS THE FIRST ONE. Go ahead and let the “all caps + post colon sentence” sink in. I’m not exaggerating when I write that either.
I imagine preproduction went a little something like this:
Bigwig Studio Exec: I like the bearded guy and that baby. What’s funnier than a baby in sunglasses?
Writers: A monkey smoking a cigarette?
Bigwig Studio Exec: Book it. Damn…I’m good.
Far be it from me to tell Hollywood hotshots how to do their jobs, especially when their first outing in the series becomes the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, but there is such a thing as adhering too closely to the original. Whoever green lit the “Hangover” sequel not only believes in the old saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” but likely has the words tattooed on his or her face.
I think it’s a safe bet to say that if you enjoyed the first “Hangover” you’ll enjoy the sequel. Just don’t expect any surprises.
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